Extra! Extra! Ringo auditions for the role of Hamlet!
by Laura

Author's Notes:

Now, I must explain - - before HORNBLOWER came along, mine and my
sister's obsession was with The Beatles - - they weren't even in our
generation, but since the Anthologies came out, we were hooked!
Anyway, we used to write fictional articles about them. For some
strange reason we usually portrayed Ringo as the not-very-bright one.

The other day, Liv came up with an idea for a fiction article that
she left for me to write - a Beatle/HH crossover. Sound weird?
Well, read on & make up your own mind by the end of it...!!

Extra! Extra! Ringo Auditions For The Role Of Hamlet!

By Laura, reporting from England.

the title-role of Shakespeare's Hamlet. Starr had been wishing to
pursue a career in acting on stage and film since the late 1970s. His
success in landing main characters has not been so good, but Starr is
still hopeful, "I refuse to be beaten!!", he said last week to a
reporter, puffing his chest out proudly, as if he were a
peacock. "And that's why I'm auditioning for this role. I actually
hadn't known anything about Shakespeare or his plays, but when
someone revealed to me that Hamlet was some bloke who couldn't make
up his mind, it really appealed to me. I'm pretty sure I'll be
successful this time."

However, the small English theatre-production company by the name of
Dramatic Thespians turned Ringo down, saying, "He was not really
right for the part." When Starr heard of this, he was naturally
disappointed, and even more furious that the part had gone to a Mr.
Samuel West, a British actor. "I was shocked. I was sure I had the
part. They gave the part to some other guy called Sam East...or was
it Sam South? And I certainly never heard of him before. Favouritism!
Bloody favouritism!!" he said.

"I thought my `To be or not to be' soliloquy was groundbreaking! I
even used my talent by improvising, because I couldn't remember
anything past `To be or not to be'...Was that even the question?," he

Some examples of his "improvisation" were as follows:

To be or not to be
What was the question?
Me uncle's killed me father
To die, to sleep like a log
Whether `tis nobler to suffer
A Hard Days' Night
Or collapse as a result of alcoholism
Frailty thy name is Eleanor Rigby
Who never stood a chance
Whether `tis nobler to be
Under the Sea or
In an Octopus' Garden in the shade
And yet within a month
The Beatles were the No. 1 band!
But I'm sure Claudius and me
Will work it out anyway
...If he can see it my way, yeah yeah yeah

Sam West declined several interview requests regarding Starr's
bitterness, merely pointing out Ringo's "lack of recent experience"
in the acting profession.

"SO HE DOES QUESTION IT!", roared Ringo, "Who does he think he is?
The Earl of Edrington??!!!" He also added, "I have every bit of
qualification necessary; I'm best friends with Kenneth Branagh, which
is the closest thing to a PhD in Dramatic Arts."

Branagh denies ever having met Ringo

But all is not lost for Ringo; he is seriously being considered for
the part of Quasimodo in the latest version of The Hunchback of Notre
Dame, by RADBC, the Royal Academy of Desperate British Celebrities.


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