Pizza
by Olivia

*******************
Scene One:

General Charette, Captain Pellew, and Admiral Hood are all sitting in
a large, well furnished room, with a clock on the wall in the shape
of a pizza.

Admiral Hood: General Charette is going to open pizza franchises in
Muzillac. And we're going to help him do it.

Pellew: How many pizzas do you expect to sell?

Charette: 10,000, maybe 20,000 in our first year of operation.
Do I have your support?

Hood: You can depend on Captain Pellew's full support.

********

Scene Two: A nice looking young man gets brutally stabbed. He
staggers into the building where Hood and Pellew are in.

Stabbed man: (Gasping) The the recipe!

Minder: Gone my Lord!

Hood: (to Pellew) He was carrying the secret recipe
containing the secret pizza plans containing secret ingredients
including the secret 11 herbs and spices.

Pellew: My God!

Hood: (shrugs). Oh well. We'll just do without the secret
herbs and spices. But if worst comes to worst, ensure you instruct
General Charette to use plenty of extra basil.

************

Scene Three: Pellew explains plan to his senior officers, during
which they ask unnecessary questions.

Kennedy: A monopoly?

Pellew: (rousing). Mr Kennedy! Four franchises can hardly be
called a monopoly!

Hornblower: May we be permitted to know what sort of pizzas we
will be making?

Pellew: No.

Bowles: Then what is the point sir?

Pellew: (angry and defensive) The POINT, Mr Bowles, is that we
have been asked to cook Pizzas. And when we have been given a pizza
order we fulfil it within 30 minutes! (softer) I know, gentlemen,
cooking caviar would seem less cavalier, but as it is, the people of
Muzillac are starving, and they have a taste for pizza.

***********

Scene four: Hornblower and Kennedy make their way down to the
docs to start loading the pizza ingredients required. Then General
Charette and his army arrive to oversee the operation, and Charette
gives his inspiring speech to the men:

Charette: Aujourd'hui est un grand joure,
Nous avons la mission de faire les meillure Pizzas dous le monde

Edrington: (to no one in particular) Do you care to translate?

Hornblower: He is saying: `Today is a great day, we have been
sent on a mission to make the best pizzas in the world'

Charette: de mince et croquant a poele

Hornblower: `from thin n' crispy to pan fried'

Charette: ces Francais vont connatre que ces Pizzas
extraordinaire

Hornblower: `these Frenchmen will know that these extraordinary
pizzas'

Charette: ont ete faits en France

Hornblower: `are made in France'

Charette: Viv la Pizza!

All: Viv la Pizza!

Hornblower: (to Edrington) Major I'll have my men take your
order for you if you like.

Edrington: Very well, oh, and by-the-by, it might be better to
give me a tip. I am in fact, the pizza delivery boy (trots off).

Kennedy: (bowled over by his humbleness). See Horatio? If you
give him enough change in tips, pretty soon he'll have enough money
to buy a proper uniform. Then he can make pizzas instead.

********

Scene five: Edrington's first job as pizza delivery boy is to
bake a pizza for Colonel Moncoutant. Moncoutant has ordered a Meat
Lovers Pizza. Hornblower is supervising the operation as Matthews and
Styles get the pizza ready.

Matthews: How big is the pizza tray sir?

Hornblower: Well, I'd imagine it's a bit bigger than the pizza,
Matthews.

Matthews: Sir?

Hornblower: Er, never mind. Just put plenty of extra pepperoni.

(Edrington rides horse to deliver pizza to Moncoutant, who greedily
sinks teeth in proffered slice)

Moncoutant: (spluttering in disgust). You fool! This pizza has
PEEPEE- RONI!!

Edrington: (unperturbed) I thought you said you wanted a meat
lovers pizza.

Moncoutant: (cursing in French and gesticulating madly). Idiot! I
am e'llergic to Peepee-roni! Take this infernal pizza away!

Edrington: (rolls his eyes) As you wish Colonel.

******

Scene six: Extra pizza supplies are being loaded.

Oldroyd: We've got four crates of capsicum, and a tub of
anchovies. And another crate of brown onions. I reckon that'd be
enough.

Hornblower: We'll load two more barrels of black olives, just to
be sure.

(Meanwhile, Pellew advises Charette that extra basil will be needed
to entice the villagers to eat the pizzas)

Charette: Ba-zil? But why?

Pellew: Iyeeee believe the Admiral advises that plenty of
basil be used, in case the pizzas need extra flavour than anticipated.

Charette: Very well, Captain Pellew. Thank you for your
suggestion. But I can assure you, that the 11 secret herbs and spices
we are using, will eliminate the need to use any extra basil.

Pellew: (lying through his teeth). I pray so, Sir. I pray so.

*******

Scene seven: Moncoutant rides into his hometown. He meets Faure.

Faure: (gesturing to his apron). Monsieur, I am the Chef.

Moncoutant: The Chef? He said he is the Chef! You are Jean-Paul
Gaultier, your business is underwear! Take off that ridiculous thing!

Faure: No Monsieur, I regret.

Moncoutant: (draws sword). Drat! I want my people brought out
here to make me a pizza. (goes into his house). Where are my
paintings, my art collection?

Faure: (hesitating) Monsieur

Moncoutant: WHAAARE?!!

Faure: We found the oil in the paintings make the pizzas
cook much quicker. They were used instead of the firewood.

Moncoutant: Burrrned? (goes outside and finds a giant pizza
waiting for him with pepperoni)

Remove the pepperoni.

Faure: No, Monsieur I regret.

Moncoutant: REMOVE THEM.

Faure: (singing) Who stole my pizza,Pepperoni pizza, Hot,
right from the pan?

All: Could it be my brother, Could it be my sister, Or the
pizza man? Who stole my pizza,Pepperoni pizza, I'm begging, pretty
please! Mom, I want my pizza,Pepperoni pizza, made with extra cheese

(Moncoutant assassinates Faure. Then he hears a young boy singing and
shoves through the crowd to get a look at him)

Boy (singing): Oh, I like baloney, But a pizza of my own-y Is the
best taste in the land! Who stole my pizza, Pepperoni pizza, Hot,
right from the pan? Could it be our neighbor, Could it be his dog, or
an alien?

Moncoutant: Give me your pistol

Hornblower: For God's sake! The ham and pineapple pizzas are
yours! Why waste powder on a child? The kids' menu can do no harm!

Moncoutant: (in French) From this day forth, pizzas are not to be
made with peppee-roni! Viv la Pizza!

******End of part one*********

**************

Scene eight: Moncoutant is having a dinner party. Hornblower and
Edrington are his guests. Mariette is the waitress. They are eating
pizzas for dinner.

Moncoutant: Observe if you will my house. These peasants love
eating infernal peppee-roni and therefore have no taste when it comes
to good house-management.

Hornblower: But Colonel, surely if you were given a chance to try
one of our delicious pepperoni pizzas...

Moncoutant: Monsieur, I once had a horse which for amusement I
fed it pepperoni pizzas. Did this make it lose its preference for
hay? Naturally, it remained a horse and so it is with people of
refined taste. Major Edrington like myself you work in the pizza
business. Surely you will support me in this?

Edrington: Colonel you have obviously tried many more pizzas
than I however I thank God daily I don't have to eat pepperoni
pizza, for I am sure from what you say, that would make me a
miserable pizza delivery boy.

*********

Scene nine: Hornblower is walking Mariette home.

Mariette: Nowadays I think there is only one Lord of Muzillac.

Hornblower: Mademoiselle?

Mariette: That giant pizza cutter. Does he think making pizzas
will make us love him this way?

Hornblower: I am afraid we have to stay here until we fulfill our
orders.

Mariette: And what is that, your orders?

Hornblower: Two-thousand family sized super supreme pizzas, one
thousand thin n' crispy vegetarian pizzas, and 500 loves of garlic
bread.

***********

Scene ten: Hornblower dashes to the bridge where Archie is
stationed to take pizza orders as they come through.

Kennedy: Re-load that pizza tray! Hurry men hurry!

Matthews: We can't see the order!

Kennedy: DO AS I TELL YOU!!

Hornblower: Archie, what do you see? Archie? MR KENNEDY REPORT!!

Kennedy: (gasping for air) 10,000 orders for ham and pineapple
pizza, cam-came out of nowhere. We have to get them delivered within
30 minutes or the pizzas get delivered for free!

Matthews: Pineapple ready!

Hornblower: Hold your pineapple! Hold your pineapple!

Edrington: CEASE PINEAPPLE!!!

(surveys the scene) Any signs of the actual customers?

Kennedy: (mouth gaping even wider) No, no Sir.

Edrington: (gives his not-impressed look). Very well, then I
suggest you pack those ingredients away.

Kennedy: Yes, my Lord.

Hornblower: But WHERE are those orders coming from?

***********

Scene 11: Rebel Frenchmen blow up the pizza operation where Mr
Bowles and Charette are stationed.

Charette: You don't even LIKE pizza, Mr Bowles. You should not
have to die here...these republicans obviously have no stomach to eat
pizzas (dies with thick tomato sauce smeared against the wall)

Mr Bowles: Neither do you, it would seem.

*************

Scene 12: Edrington shows his frustration over the non-existent
customers

Edrington: I have little time for customers who put in false
orders. What do I have to gain by such a franchise?

(Meanwhile, Moncoutant is showing a heavy hand towards the villagers
of Muzillac.)

Moncoutant: John Pierre, you have been found guilty of failing to
meet your assigned sales target of 50 Pizza-Meal-Deals per week Viv
La Pizza

(Back to Edrington)

Edrington: How many Pizzas did we sell this week?

Sergeant of Marines: 18, My Lord

Edrington: 18? Is that all?? Then where in God's name are the
rest of the customers?

(Back to Moncoutant, who explains a thing or two to Hornblower about
striking it rich in the pizza franchise business.)

Moncoutant: Mr Hornblower, as you can see, I have my own
franchise to look after here in the town, if you wish to look for
customers I will not prevent you, but may I remind you that I am the
sole proprietor of this operation and in my experience it is
beneficial to put vouchers in people's letterboxes to promote your
pizza business. Good day, Monsieur! (addresses next victim). Name?

*************

Scene 13: Pellew blames himself for the failure of the operation

Bracegirdle: No further pizzas have been baked, Sir.

Pellew: (sighs). I stand here as a man accused before you, Sir.

Bracegirle: Accused, Sir? By whom?

Pellew: By my own self. I knew the secret recipe containing
the 11 secret herbs and spices which would guarantee sales had been
stolen, and yet I held my tongue...

************

Scene 14: Hornblower urges Mariette to escape with him

Mariette: `Ave you, `ave you not seen what is happening in the
square? Today they killed a baker, he is guilty of no more than
serving stale garlic bread.

(In the next scene they escape while Moncoutant is being beheaded by
the pizza cutter).

*************

Scene 15: Pellew is giving his customary pep talk to a very
teary eyed Hornblower.

Hornblower: What were we doing trying to set up franchises Sir?
Our pizzas were not wanted. We got nothing but false orders,
destruction, and the reaction to our pepperoni pizzas..forgive me,
Sir.

Pellew: It's alright Mr Hornblower, it's alright. Look at
your new apron, what a sorry state. When we put on this apron, we
entered a kitchen of chaos and mayhem, but also a kitchen of duty.
And whatever the difficulties in cooking a recipe, WHATEVER, we must
never forget, that we are chefs in Our Majesty's Navy! I'm glad to
see you safe, Mr Hornblower.

Hornblower: And I to be back doing what I do best, Sir.

(Final scene with Hornblower audibly inhaling the smell of fresh
bread that he just baked, complimented by a rare dimpled smile, with
lots of majestic theme music playing in the background).

************THE END************