Archie's Kitchen Escape (A Manic Moment)
By Michele

(This is a comic aside to the 'Archie's Journal' series by Michele. This section goes between parts 8 and 9)

Those bloody Dons cookin' up a storm this afternoon were just TOO
much for me! That was IT! I had HAD it with the Don Massaredo
Special -- one would think that after two weeks of that weird brown-
green bean stuff one would at LEAST be able to identify it!
(..though I DO suspect a qualified gastroenterologist could....)
Well, I didn't care if I had to send out to Adam's Ribs or something -
- I'd decided I was going to get some REAL food, if it was the last
thing I did!!

So I came up with a plan (which was good, and whose execution
excellent): The guards came in late this afternoon with my latest
Tray of Torture, but they couldn't find me! They looked everywhere
(not that I exactly had a walk-in closet or anything to hide in...)
but they could not find me, because I was too clever for them!
(After all, I managed to get myself into the sequels, against all
odds, thank you very much, and I doubt any of THEM have their own fan
pages!) Finally, they gave up looking, but by that time I had
slipped silently from behind the door, past them whilst their backs
were turned and they were singing Malaguena, and out the door I went!

I was free! (Though I could just hear Han Solo telling me, "Great!
Now don't get cocky, kid...." I still had to make it across the
courtyard, and toward the kitchen.) Along the covered walkway I
crept, unnoticed by the guards sunning themselves, their closed-eyed
faces turned upward, as they held tinfoil-covered cardboards to
reflect the best of sunny Spain back upon them. So far, so good....

At least I reached the open courtyard. How to cross without being
noticed? I knew I HAD to find a way, for ambrosia awaited me just
across its expanse. Stealthily I looked around, reading my sit-oo-
ation. One guard patrolled atop the nearest wall, but at the moment
his back was turned to me. Apparently, a film crew was taping a
special El Ferrol Beach episode of Baywatch just beyond the walls.
Oooh...wait...sigh.... Nah, who cares about THAT when FOOD awaits!!
On toward my intended destination. Again I scanned the area and saw
but one other guard, this one patrolling the courtyard itself, 30.06
at the ready. Oh dear, how was I to get past HIM??

But my Naval training had served me well (not to mention Evenings at
the Improv....) At once I spied several large pebbles at my feet and
scooped them up. Aiming carefully, I tossed them in the direction
beyond where the guard presently faced, which fortunately for me was
AWAY from the source of those wonderful smells. The guy fell for it,
hook, line, and sinker! Off he ran in the direction of the stones'
landing to investigate (the guy watching the Baywatch taping didn't
even turn around, though he DID look like he was about to fall over
at one point...), so I hurried across the courtyard and into the back
door of the main house....

Once at the door, I kept low and peeked into the window until I
ascertained that no one was there at the moment. I have no idea WHY -
- there should have been half a dozen cooks spoiling the broth, so to
speak, but it's MY bloody post and I can write what I WANT! (Have to
finish this thing SOMEtime....) Slowly I pulled open the door and
slipped inside...

OH, the joys that awaited me in that wonderful-smelling kitchen!!
Chicken pie, country ham, homemade puddin' on the bread! Roast beef,
ham and eggs, a trout or three! Biscuits (non-weeviled) with Devon
cream and lemon curd (unstomped)! Wine, beer, sangria (a LOT of that
last one....)! Chocolate milk, truffles (nobody KNOWS the truffles
I've seen...), plum duff! And the meats -- venison, rock ape, mutton
(a mite salty for my taste, but very fine indeed....), corned beef
and cabbage (not to be confused with CABG -- sorry, the writer had to
throw in a medical joke...), and filet mignon (that must have been
for the Froggy Gent I saw dropping by....)! Cheese (without mould --
they used it all up in the LAST movie when I was off filming my
hiatus work), grapes (again, unstomped), nuts (the kind you can eat),
pasta (from those pesky Florentinos)! The seven wonders of the
world...sigh... I dived right in, quickly, whilst no one was there,
gorging on everything I could get my eager hands on. I gave no
respect to proper order of courses -- meat before soup, fruit before
nuts, it mattered not, as I could hear the wise old adage "Life is
short, eat dessert first!" echoing in my ears....

It was the most wondrous, joyous experience of my life... Better than
Simpson getting transferred to a garbage scow in the Persian Gulf,
better than getting higher SAT scores than Horatio, better than --
well, better than ANYthing! I was so content, though stuffed and
beginning to develop a bit of a case of gas, but I didn't care -- I
had finally had REAL food, and if I had to spend the next two years
(oh dear, I HOPE not! That blasted Horatio better show up and rescue
his shipmate from prison before THAT! I mean, the hiatus wasn't
supposed to be THAT long....) in this dump then I could be content,
for I have been truly satisfied this day....

*Burp...* Oh dear, perhaps I should have taken it easy on the root
beer floats... I fear I may have made too much noise sawing at the
chicken (could I help it if all they had was an old electric carving
knife from the 70s that made a bloody racket???), for the guards
showed up soon after, along with an EXTREMELY irate head chef (the
guy was nuts -- kept yelling "BAM!" all over the place...) and
pointed their armas at me, demanding to know what was the meaning of
the mess I had made! I had no explanation, no recourse, for they had
caught me, red-handed (thanks to the jelly apples and pomegranates),
lying on the floor in an exhausted heap from my feeding frenzy, amid
apple cores, chicken skin, gnawed-clean T-bones, and escargot shells
(I don't really like them, but I couldn't let the Froggy Gent have
them all...). I had only one plea, and I offered it, fervently,
earnestly, desperately:

"I'M HUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN-GRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!"

...Oh well, it didn't work for the other guy either....

They promptly took me back to my cell.....

....where I was later EXTREMELY grateful for the extra-large
chamberpot....