A Hard Day's Night Featuring Ardeth Bey
by Lady Atropos with some help from the Beatles :-)

(This bit comes after "The Wrong War")
ARCHIE: [with a comforting hand on Horatio's shoulder] She loves you, and you
know that can't be bad.
HORATIO: I need someplace to hide away. [the rigging looks tempting]
ARCHIE: You thought you lost your love, but I saw her yesterday.
HORATIO: Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away. Suddenly, I'm not half
the man I used to be. Why she had to go, I don't know [contemplates ruefully
about how yesterday, when Archie saw his love, she was blown to bits.]
ARCHIE: [still trying] I want to hold your hand?
HORATIO: [backing away nervously] Get back to where you once belong!
PELLEW: [from quarterdeck] Come together, right now, over me!
ARCHIE: [over his shoulder to Horatio, as he hurries to report to Pellew as
ordered] If there's anything that you want, if there's anything I can do?
[Horatio shakes his head mournfully]
HORATIO: She would never be free, while I was around
PELLEW: [fishing for volunteers for his newest mission] Help! I need
somebody! Help! Not just anybody! You know, I need some one
ARCHIE AND HORATIO: We can work it out!
PELLEW: [glad to see two of his brightest cheering up] I do appreciate you
bein' 'round!
ARCHIE: [happy that Horatio has something to get it off his mind] Got a good
reason for taking the easy way out.
PELLEW: Think of what I'm saying. There's no time for fussing and fighting.
[he outlines a plan with Edrington's help, on how to storm Egypt.]
PELLEW: [sternly cautioning against disorder] There's a chance we could fall
apart before too long.
[two weeks later, Edrington and his men are marching into Giza, with
Horatio and Archie tagging along just for the fun of it. His men are cheering
their battle cries lustily]
EDRINGTON'S TROOPS: Colonel Edrington's, Colonel Edrington's, Colonel
Edrington's gorgeous heart-throb band! [okay, so I changed that one a wee bit]
[the remarkably small civilian population scatters, leaving them with a
surprisingly easy victory]
HORATIO: [depressed by another fruitless attack on a defenseless civilian
population] Look at all the lonely people. [sigh]
[Ardeth Bey is the only one putting up a struggle]
ARDETH: They all just wanted to be paperback writers!
EDRINGTON: But, see how they run!
ARDETH: Can't we all live beneath the waves in our yellow submarine? All our
friends are aboard!
HORATIO: [finally perking up] Sky of blue, sea of green!
ARDETH: How you feed the rest? [looks at the meager supplies]
EDRINGTON: I manage to make ends meet
ARCHIE: Gentlemen, you say goodbye, I say hello. [they all run away together,
making that, happily,

THE END