Fractured Nautical Terms
by Cassi

Warnings: Some toilet humor...literally. Have you SEEN some of these
terms?!

Fractured Definitions of Nautical Terms that Would Drive The 18th
Century Navy Nuts

Aback: the opposite of "a front"

A Board: One of those wooden things the ship is made out of.

Afloat: (also called "A floatie") those green things that float in
the ships water.

Along Shore: When the shoreline is really long.

The Anchor is Cockbill: When you tie a rooster's beak to an anchor.

Atrip: What you take when you step wrong on those steep stairs.

To bagpipe the mizen: PLaying the bagpipes on the mizen

Bale: What you do to hay.

Barge: Walking in on someone in the bathroom.

Bear a-hand: When a bear eats one of your hands.

To bear off: To throw the bear that ate your hand off the ship.
(seriously, what the heck was a bear doing on your ship to start
with!?)

Birth: To have a baby.

Bitts: What your ship gets blown into when you don't know what
you're doing.

Bitter: What the crew becomes when they run out of alcoholic
bevereges.

Block: Something your two year old plays with on deck.

Block and Block: Two blocks.

Board and Board: Two boards.

Bold shore: When the shore is very bold.

Bonnet of a Sail: When you make a bonnet out of the sail....which
might get you into a lot of trouble with the Captain, so we don't
advise trying it.

Both Sheets Aft: To throw someone's bedsheets off the back of the
ship.

Boxing: What happenes when you get disagreements below decks,
amongst the men.

Broadside: The side of a broad.

Capstan: The guy who is in charge of the ship.

Cat's Paw: 1. usually found attached to the cat's leg. 2. A kind
of Tornado that jumps up and down like a cat's paw, playing with a
mouse. (sorry, I'm a storm spotter...it slipped)

Cat-Head: Attached to the cat's neck.

Chaser: 1. A firecracker that is illegal in the city limits. 2.
Some wierdo who chases Tornados....(right sorry....focus....nautical
terms, not chase terms...)

To Clear the Anchor: To get rid of the anchor.

To Come Home: Usually done after a long voyage at sea.

Crow-Foot: Generally attached to the crow's leg.

Dead Lights: When the lights burn out.

To Draw: That's what I do with a pencil and paper.

Driver: A golf club

Driving: Done in a car.

To Drop a Stern: When the back of your ship falls off.

To Drop down a River: That's what they do when they clean the
toilets.

To Edge away: Generally done when someone beside you breaks wind.

Fairway: 1. Playing by the rules. 2. Another golf term

To Fall a-stern: To fall off the back of the ship.

To Fall down: See "Atrip".

Falling off: To fall off ANY part of the ship.

Fall not off: The opposite of Falling off.

Fish: Food mostly caught in water.

Fish-hook: Used to catch fish.

To Fish the Anchor: What happens when a whale swallows your anchor.

Fore: Shouted by golfers before they hit someone in the head with a
golf ball.

Forward: The opposite of backward.

To Freshen: When the crew takes a bath.

To Freshen the Hawse: When the crew cleans out their sleeping area.

Fresh Away: The ship, after the bathing and cleaning.

Full: When a ship can hold no more crew.

Full-and-by: When a ship has too MUCH crew.

Gripe of a ship: When the crew starts complaining about their living
conditions.

Groin in the Cable: Ummm, let's just not talk about this one.

Ground Tackle: Generally preformed on a football field.

Growing: Those funny green things in the ship's water.

Gun-Room: See Burt Gummer's Basement. (ie the movie "Tremors")

Guy: Generally what the crew is composed of.

Head-Fast: When you REALLY have to go to the bathroom.

To Heave: To Barf, puke, blow chunks, throw up, up chuck, vomit,
etc...

To heave short: To throw up only a little.

To heave the Capstern: To throw up down the Captain's back.

To Heave handsomely: Is there really such thing?

To Heave Heartliy: (the real definition) -- "To Heave strong and
quick." (Nuff said...)

To Heel: A command usually given to dogs.

Hitch: To get married.

Hold: What you can get put on when you dial 9-1-1.

To Hold on: What you should do when you're hanging off the topyard.

Horse: A mammal that Horatio Hornblower has no idea how to ride.

Jolly-Boat: A happy little boat.

Junk: See "Justinian"

To Keep Full: what must be done to the ship's alcohol supply.

Laid Up: What happens to Midshipman when exposed to Jack Simpson.

Large: The opposite of small.

Land-fall: No, last we checked, it was the sky that was falling, not
the land.

Leak: Can cause your ship to sink if it's not repaired.

Lee: Jamie Bamber in Battlestar Galactica.

Leaches: Bloodsucking, disgusting, slimey little creatures....ie See
Jack Simpson.

Magazine: Reading material in the bathroom.

To make foul water: Using the toilet.

To make the Land: An act of God.

To make Water: See "To make foul Water"

Maul: What a velociraptor does to you.

Monkey: A pet kept by a crewman

Monkey-Blocks: Something for the monkey to play with.

Monkey-jacket: Clothing for the monkey.

Monkey-poop: What the monkeys owner ends up cleaning off his
clothes.

Open: The opposite of closed.

Over-Board: Where they pitch the monkey when they get tired of
cleaning the poop up.

Poop: Often found floating in your toilet.

Pooping: Something done while sitting on the toilet, often while
reading a magazine.

Quarters: Money.

To rake: Done in the garden.

Rear: Someone's hind end.

Ride at Anchor: When you tie someone to the anchor and throw them
into the water.

Rigging out a boom: Setting a bomb.

Sea Boat: When you look out and see a boat.

Sea cloths: When you look out and notice someone has thrown your
clothes overboard.

Shivering: What you do in the winter when you don't have enough
blankets.

Spring: The Season after Winter and before Summer.

To Stand on: When you stand on something.

To Stand off: The opposite of Stand on.

Stretch out: 1. Something you can't do in a hammock. 2. Wrong
movie genius, this is "Hornblower", not "Fantastic 4!"

Surf: A sport popular in California and Hawaii.

Tide it up: Washing your clothes.

Topping: Good on icecream.

Truck: A vehicle we don't advise you try in the water.

Van: See "Truck"

Under-foot: Whatever is under your feet.

Wake: When you're not asleep.

Warp: What's happening to people reading this list.

Water-line: A line made out of water.

Water-borne: When you're born in the water.

Weather beaten: What happens to your ship when you're caught in a
hurricane.

To weigh Anchor: To find out what the anchor weighs....oh wait, I
did that one.

Whipping: See Midshipman Wellard.

The Wind's Eye: The eye of a hurricane.

The End: The end of this entire pointless list.

Feedback: What you can give Cassi to tell her what you think of this
whole mess.