August 16, 1666 der Schelling (1).
Dear diary, I am very unhappy, because I have just
heard the worst of news my father could ever give me.
Tomorrow a merchant fleet will arrive at the Vlie (2),
and although that is not unusual, there is an
accidental circumstance that will, and in a way
already has, turned my world upside down. One of the
ships has on board two things of great importance, and
will certainly make me very happy, my father said to
me today. Curious (and stupid) as I was, I asked him
what they were. 'Unfortunately' he told me, and the
look on my face must have told him that I was not at
all happy with what I was about to receive, and I'll
tell you why not.
The first gift will be a dress. And although I have no
doubt that it will be a very beautiful one, and will
fit me perfectly, the fact that it is to be my wedding
dress disturbs me very much. The other 'thing' will be
the one I am to marry, Reinoud van Brieckendal from
Amsterdam. All I know of him is that he is the 2nd son
of a rich merchant who has ships in the VOC (3), that
he is very rich, 25 years old, tall and said to be
very handsome. (Lucky me). I wonder why he 'wants' to
have me for his wife. I mean, there are probably many,
more suitable girls who really want him if he is so
very handsome. My only guess is that my father has
arranged it so that he has no more debts to pay Mr.
Van Brieckendal Sr. Instead I will be given to his
Ooh, I hate my father! I trusted him! How can I ever
do so ever again? But it is late now, and my candle is
dying. I hope my worries will be lessened tomorrow
when I wake up. And who knows? Maybe my future husband
really is a very agreeable guy. Love,
Marqita Anna Schuiten.
August 6 (4), 1666 on board HMS Dragon (5).
My fellow officers have told me once more that keeping
a journal, or what they like to call it, a diary is
for girls. yeah right, like I am going to start every
time I write with 'dear diary.(6)
But putting all the fun and teases aside now, I have
some serious doubts about this expedition we're on. In
short we are plundering the Dutch coast, and I feel
relieved to write that there hasn't been a real
opportunity yet because the weather has been against
us. The wind is blowing us in the wrong direction and
it is hard to keep the right course. However, we have
orders to sail to the Vlie and the island of
According to Mr. Laurentz van Heemskerk (7), a
deserted captain of the Dutch navy, who has escaped
the death penalty by telling 'us' all he knows. Sir
Robert (8) seems to like him.. But I think we may run
into troubles with him sooner or later (9). Anyway,
according to him those islands, Vlie and Schelling
have no means of defence (10) even though there are
some of the storehouses of the VOC and the Republic of
the united Netherlands (11). I feel uncomfortable when
I think of it, and of what is expected of me. I will
do my duty, but I fear it will be without my heart in
the job. Lt. A. Kennedy.
August 17, 1666 der Schelling.
Dear diary, today I will meet Reinoud van Brieckendal.
I feel nervous and. afraid. Everything that I know I
will have to leave behind. The dunes, the beach, the
sea, the ever so beautiful red sunsets that make the
water shine purple. the gulls, everything!
And last but not least, my friends. How I will miss
them! To lose all that and in return become a devoted
wife. and mother of his children. Of the last thing I
hardly dare to think. And how will it be to live in
the city? I don't know. So many doubts! But even then
there is a feeling of hope, that it all will turn out
well eventually. That I don't have to marry him!
_ _ _ _ _
Well, I have to say, Reinoud is not the worst of men,
but. I can not love him. Perhaps I will like him one
day, and I feel that it is the same with him. He
arrived at my father's house at 4:00 sharp. He is very
punctual. Another thing that will bind me. No more
wandering about, but abide strict rules and schedules.
The wedding dress, however, is the most beautiful
dress I have ever seen; the bodice is made of white
satin, with pearl-buttons. Also there are pearls along
the neckline. The skirt is in two parts, one over the
other. Both are white. The first one is made of white
cotton, embroidered with gold thread in the shape of a
flower on the front, and the other, that will be over
this one, is of satin with a slit in the middle on the
front, so you can see the flower. There are more
pearls on the veil, there where it will be tightened
to my hair. I tried it on today, and it did indeed fit
me perfectly. Only that my heart did not feel so
He must be very rich indeed to be able to afford
having a dress like that made for his bride! But I
hope not that he expects me to be ever grateful for
his marrying me (I'd rather not!) I simply cannot and
will not, since it is not my real choice. I better
stop writing now, before I fall asleep. It has been a
very exiting and exhausting day. Love,
August 7, 1666 o/b HSM Dragon.
For a not so very faithful writer a daily report is
rather extra ordinary. Therefore it will be but a
short one. After ten days (12) we finally reached our
destination it seems. Tomorrow the plans will be made
how to get to the islands (13). Actually, I hope the
weather will get just a bit worse than it already is.
So near the coast it has been raining for three days
already and the wind is blowing more and more in our
opposite direction. Other than that, things are pretty
normal here. The food is bad, and the men are behaving
.badly. Fortunately not too bad, but they all want to
return to England. If everything will go as planned,
we will within a few days. Even I have noticed that I
think more and more of my mother (call me a sissy if
ya dare.. She is all the family I have left) I hope
She is well, although in her last letter She told me
as much that She wanted me to return home soon, She is
so lonely after the death of both my father and my
sister Eliza two years ago (14). I trust She will be
very happy to see me again.
Having promised it would be but a short note, I will
lay down my pencil and say goodnight. Lt. A. Kennedy
August 18, 1666 der Schelling.
My diary, I feel I have been neglecting you. Although
I have been writing a lot lately. But there is so much
going on at once! And because of that I now will write
the latest news I heard about the war. Right now that
is more important than anything. I do not know how to
say it any different, and how unlikely it may seem:
there is an enemy fleet approaching, and well. even
when news travels fast, it was not fast enough to
prepare us here for what will await us.
A few days ago, If I remember it correctly from what I
have just heard, Admiral Michiel Adriaansz De Ruyter
(15) of the Dutch Navy had captured a British merchant
fleet. Judging from their actions the Brit's did not
quite like that (16) and tried to get their fleet
back. A battle was the result (17). That battle ended
because of exhaustion of supplies, at least that is
what they say, but I think De Ruyter kicked some butt.
Both sides claimed their victory, which I do not
really understand, how can a party win when they lost
more men and ships? The only thing that can be used in
their advantage is that De Ruyter had withdrawn to de
Schelde (18). There the British waited for him to come
out. When that did not happen they went searching for
a 'real' victory. And here we are, with an enemy fleet
at the Vlie. They attacked the VOC fleet and many, not
to say most ships were burned. I think I have only
seen 40 ships get away (19), including Mr. van
Brieckendal's ship. I do not mind the wedding to be
postponed at all actually, though the alternative is
not a very promising one either. Trapped on an island
with no defences, just what I always wanted. it is odd
when I think of it that I am not afraid. I am clueless
why that is, I mean I think I should be. and funny how
I'm writing like there's nothing wrong! Love,
August 10, 1666 o/b HMS Dragon.
Since I had no time before to write I will write all
the things that have happened in the last few days.
Horatio (20) says I should not walk around with a face
shining with happiness, considered what we have done.
I suppose it really makes me look like one that takes
pleasure in other peoples ruin. Really, I do not want
to become a second Mr. Simpson! Horatio knows, he is
the only one I trusted my story to.
Preferring these pages to end with a cheerful note I
s'pose I'd start at the beginning, or better said,
where I ended last.
That was two days ago: on the 8th Sir Robert Holmes
went on board the FanFan and put out his flag (21). We
(the officers) came onboard with him, where it was
ordered we should burn and destroy as much of the
enemy fleet as possible. Later that day the Dragon and
the Garland were aground (22), and it was most
convenient for all hands first to go to work to get
them off. The intention for the next day was attack
the town of Brandaris (23). We were assured of no
opposition, and so 11 companies got ashore by
longboats. The company I was in had to stay to secure
the boats. The other 10 walked up to the village which
was up to above a 1000 houses (24), where 5 stayed
upon the village skirts and 5 were ordered to fire and
burn the village. While that took place, some of the
men started to plunder, against orders.
Then it happened. Some of the men came back, two
carrying a fair mahogany chest, which was then opened
upon the shore. Inside, there was a dress and a
beautiful red coral necklace. Soon after our
'discovery' a small figure arrived and she seemed to
be rather furious. Taken by surprise, we let her take
the dress, which was most likely hers. Then she ran
away. I still don't know what made me decide to run
after her. Perhaps it was the necklace she had forgot
to grab with in her hurry to get away from us, or it
was the look of helplessness she wore. Either way; I
ran after her, and soon had caught up with her, for
she had tripped over her skirts and lay flat on the
beach (25). She looked up at me, said some words that
I did not understand, but their meaning was quite
obvious: get away! But She looked so afraid (no
wonder) and so scared.
I tried to calm her, and nothing worked, until I
showed her the necklace. That seemed to work. Finally.
For a second we just stood there, the wind blowing her
hair from her face, and I looked into the loveliest
eyes I'd ever seen. But still there was fear in them.
It pained me. She turned around again, but I grabbed
her hand and I... I kissed her. And although I
shouldn't, I am afraid to say that I think She did not
really mind it (26). Actually, She smiled at me. Then
She said something like 'farewell' and ran away again.
With my mind still occupied with what I have just
described here above, I walked back to the longboats.
No one seemed to have noticed my absence; I only was
away for a few minutes after all. Back on board the
Dragon I told Horatio what had happened. He appeared
to be a bit... surprised of my action. And I can't say
I blame him, it's the same with me...
That was all yesterday. Today we sailed out for
Portsmouth, go home, repair the ships and start new
adventures. "The distances we travel..." Horatio once
said... they really take us everywhere and for now,
the distance between here and Britain is enough for
me. " I miss my mommy" is what I would have said if
this was a diary, luckily it is a journal... lot's to
think of. Not in the least the girl I fear...
Lt. A. Kennedy.
August 12, 1666 o/b HMS Dragon.
Tomorrow we will reach Portsmouth. I will get off
there; I am on leave for three weeks. Horatio will
travel with me to London, he needs a new uniform. The
one he is wearing now is getting to short for him
(doesn't he ever stop growing?) 'speaking' of
Horatio; today he came to me and said: "I need you to
see a mouse, She's very shy, and I can't catch her".
"A mouse?" I asked. "Yes, just follow me" was all his
reply. So I did.
Horatio brought me to the 'mouse' that turned out to
be... the girl. She's on board this very ship! I am
puzzled. Why? How? And how do we (Horatio has offered
to help me) get her off the ship unseen? I don't know.
And we only have one more day to find out.
Lt. A. Kennedy.
August 14, 1666 ..St London.
We arrived safely here, at my mother's house. Thanks
to the help of Matthews, Styles and Oldroyd (27), who
distracted everyone who might see something, we got
her into the carriage that was to take Horatio and me
, and now her of course too, to London.
My mother was very happy to see us, and I suspect I
have found a way to solve two problems: a house for
the girl, and a companion for my mother when I am at
sea. My mother seems to get along well with her, She
even got her to speak. She told us her name was
Marqita. She had to write it down for us. She soon
afterwards made clear to us that She liked to use a
pen and ink and is now busy with her writings. No more
news for now.
Lt. A. Kennedy.
August 24, 1666 London.
My dear diary. I am so happy to have taken you with
me. You are all I have left from home. It has been
several days since I had a last opportunity to write.
Not since the 18th. Although the calendar here tells
me it is the 14th. Must be a few days behind.... But
I'll tell you what has happened to me during those
19th: we saw them coming in their longboats and pretty
much the entire village was empty when they set foot
on the beach (28). My father's house is very tall and
lies on the east side, just outside of the village. I
watched it all through the attic window. How they came
closer, split up and set the first houses on fire.
Also there were soldiers going inside houses to fill
their pockets with whatever they could find. The VOC
storehouses were plundered as well, and I saw two men
coming out with the chest. The chest that had my
wedding dress inside and my red coral necklace too.
Those were mine! How did they dare tough those!
In my anger I left my hiding place, ran through the
burning village.I guess I stopped caring for anything
at that moment, and after the chest. When I arrived
where they had brought it they had just opened it and
held up my dress, I assume to look at it. I grabbed it
from them and ran away with it. Soon I heard footsteps
running behind me on the sand. I looked back (stupid?
Not really, considered what happened and I will
describe now). Because of that I tripped and fell. The
one that had chased me stopped.
I told him to go away, and leave me, that I didn't
want to have anything to do with those creeps. He
didn't listen. Instead he started talking to me. What
he said I don't know. Then he held out his arm, opened
his hand and showed me my necklace. I was stunned.
This one had a heart after all. He then helped me up.
I had no idea what to do next. Run or. stay. I decided
to run, but he held me back, turned me face to face
with him and pressed his lips on mine. I was stunned
even more, did not quite realise what had just
happened to me. Almost like good friends we parted, I
even said 'vaarwel' (29), at that moment still
thinking I would never see him again. Walking back
towards the village I looked things over. Pretty much
everything I was so afraid of to lose by marriage, I
lost today. Still not being able to think clearly,
probably because of what is here above described, I
decided to find a new life.
When the evening set in I swam towards the nearest
ship and managed to get on board somehow. I had never
been on board a ship before, so you can guess I had
never left this tiny island. To me this already was a
great adventure. It had never occurred to me that this
operation could be risky for me.
The next day, the 20th, we sailed out. Actually, they
sailed out, and I came with. By that time I had long
found me a hiding place and was determined not to be
found. That was easier said than done. Someone walked
by and almost had discovered me (I thought). Fact was
that he had seen me and soon after he came back with
another officer. This by the way was on the 22nd I
think. At least two days had passed since I had come
on board. It was very dark where I was and I could
only hear their voices. It was obvious that they were
looking for someone. me! Then I recognised one of the
voices. But I still wasn't sure what to do, keep hid,
or come out from where I was. Before my mind was made
up they already stood there before me, and their tone
of voice was very friendly. They brought me some food.
I tried to thank them, and they understood. Found out
that the languages do not differ very much when the
'difficult' words aren't used. Otherwise it sounds so
silly! The next the one who had found me came to bring
me something to eat. That was all I saw of them that
day until the evening. It was difficult to get me off
the ship unseen I had never thought of that! How
thoughtless and stupid and naÔve I am! I certainly
must change that.
And today I am here, in London, wherever that may be.
It is decided that I stay and live here. I think that
was what they said. my English still isn't very good.
Sometimes they talk so fast, and there are still so
many strange words. Unbelievable how kindly I am
treated here in spite of the problems to express
myself clearly. Love, Marqita Anna.
August 15, 1666 ..St London.
Marqita thinks we should call her 'Anne', she told us
so today. I think I will call her Marqita on special
occasions. She is to have my sister's bedroom. It has
not been used since her death on that cold October
morning two years ago.
The dresses that my mother kept, 'just in case' come
in handy now. She has the same size and I must say she
really looks nice in lavender blue, it matches her
eyes. (30). Today we will show her around this part of
town and perhaps buy her something new also.
Horatio will stay here a day longer. My mother is
delighted, for instead of just me for company she has
Horatio and Anne also. Lt. A. Kennedy. Oh crap, you
know who I am.
August 15, 1666 London.
Dear diary, I have decided to go 'ten days back' and
therefore instead of the 25th it will be the 15th that
I write down. I became too confused to keep up with
the 'real' dates (31).
The people here, Mr. Kennedy, Mr. Hornblower and Mrs.
Kennedy will call me Anne in the future. I told them
so myself! It took a while before I had all the words
correct, but I think I am making great progress.
The room I was brought to on my first night here will
from now on be mine. Mrs. Kennedy looked sad and happy
at the same time when she told me so. Archie (Mr.
Kennedy, but he says he prefers me to call him Archie
because they all call him that) explained to me why.
So sad! He had a sister once who was about my age when
she died. She and Mr. Kennedy Sr. lost their lives in
an accident or something. Still hard to understand
everything even when it looks like I 'get' the
language better and better.
Now I have her room and her dresses. Mine were dirty
(the one I wore and the 'wedding' dress, strange that
I brought that one with me.) because of the swimming
and will be cleaned today. I tried on several and
those all fit. I now wear a blue-ish one that is
simple but not plain and makes me look taller than I
am. I like that. Judging from the faces of Horatio
(Archie's friend Mr. Hornblower, I can be on first
name terms with him also) and Archie this dress is
very becoming. Diary, I think I'm in love.
_ _ _ _
The day hasn't ended yet, and I'll have just the time
to inform you of what happened after tea. I like tea
(32). Never had it before. well, after we were done we
went outside. All four of us. They showed me
everything, well, almost! The streets, the houses, the
squares, a park, the churches (so many) everything!
This has, to me, been a very well filled day, and I
really an tired, but oh so happy. I am in such a
flutter! Love, Anne.
August 18, 1666 ..St London.
Our little Anne is adapting well. I think I'll miss
her when at sea again. Horatio leaves today, and I had
a letter today with some 'bad' news. It used to make
no real difference to me to part from my mother and
this house or not. Now it will. I have to leave four
days earlier, on the 27th.
Plan to spend much time with Anne on the nine days I
have left. I like talking to her. She has a great
mind, and this way she will learn the language very
quick. She's a bright pupil. I like talking to her.
Have already written that, but I really do. Think I'll
stop before I write down too much rubbish. (33)
August 19, 1666 London.
Dear diary. Mr. Hornblower (I think it is more polite
to refer to him as Mr. Hornblower when he's not here)
left yesterday at one o' clock. It is now half past
nine in the evening and finally have found myself a
little time to write. I have been busy the past three
days, this one included. It is Sunday today, and I
wore the lavender dress to church. Mrs. Kennedy told
me I looked like a princess, but I personally think
that is too much praise.
Mrs. Kennedy and I cleaned my room and we went out
shopping. She bought me a bonnet. I needed one she
said. It is a very nice looking one, soft yellow, with
lavender strings. I think I'll wear it not too often,
I am afraid it might get dirty.
She is so nice and kind to me, Mrs. Kennedy. I never
knew my mother, she died when I was two years old. My
father raised me. Oh! I do miss him diary, but not
enough. and I like it here better. Mrs Kennedy is like
a mother to me, and we have become good friends in
the past few days. Archie and I get along well also,
we talk about lots of things. What it is like to be a
Lieutenant, his friend Mr. Hornblower, my father, my
friends, how I like London. but not how we met, or
much of the war at all. Somehow painful on either
side. Though I do want to ask him about it, but I am
afraid that he thinks I am silly. And I am diary, I
am. I probably shouldn't like him more than is good
for me. Anne.
August 20, 1666 ..St London.
I wrote down the date. Have started writing. Only the
words I want to write down won't come into my head.
Only 'Anne'. She is a danger to my rational thinking.
Somehow I like it. yesterday she looked so pretty.
Aargh! Should write other things! (Control yourself
A cup of tea always works. Could ask for one. Were it
not that I am certain Anne will come bring it. One
Still no normal sentence on this paper. CRAP! Next
time better. A.
August 24, 1666 London.
Dear diary, Archie will leave three days from now. He
has been acting rather strange to me, so I think it
will do him good to be at sea again. I think he misses
his friend Mr. Hornblower. Mrs. Kennedy told me he
usually gets a little restless when he has been home
for a while.
She also told me he is not his normal self. I guess
she knows best. He and I have been on friendly terms
all the time, but now this way of avoiding me. I don't
know what to think of it really. he has taught me to
play chess though! I really like that game, but he
wins every time we play. My English is still getting
better and I am able to utter a whole sentence without
having to look for words all the time. Mrs. Kennedy
and Archie told me that that has been the case for a
few days already. I must say I am a little proud at
But sad because Archie is leaving and hasn't talked to
me for a whole day. Diary, what should I do? Stop
I fear that's what causes this. Sigh. Anne.
August 25, 1666 ..St London.
I have given up trying to keep a distance between Anne
and me, I have never seen her so unhappy since she
came here. Things are 'back to normal' now. Played
chess. Let hr win. Also, as you have noticed, have
given up not writing about her, it doesn't work
anyway. I actually feel much better now.
A letter from Horatio arrived today, he's on board the
HMS Indefatigable (34) now, and I will have to board
her also. So w both now have goodbye-ed the Dragon.
The other thing he wrote was that I should not worry
much about whatever it is between Anne and me (gee,
can he read my mind or something?) according to him it
will all turn out fine. What is fine? I want to be
around her all the time, and when I am, I'd rather be
somewhere else. Perhaps I'm in love. Should tell my
mother. No, better not, since I will be leaving soon.
Tomorrow I start packing. Hmmmm, maybe Anne wants to
help. She is such a dear, always ready to help, as if
some how trying to make up for something. I'll ask
her. Most likely she will say 'yes'. Ok. I know, it is
a bit taking advantage of the situation, but who can
blame me for it (35)? I will not be home for God knows
Tomorrow it is Sunday again, perhaps she'll walk home
with me afterwards. Usually she walks with my mother
and they then talk all the way home. I don't want to
say goodbye to her, I already know I will miss her
As always, Archie.
August 26, 1666 ..St London.
It's evening now, said my goodbyes and goodnight. I
have to quit the house at four fifteen on the morning.
It has been a very nice day. The sun was shining (or
was it just my imagination?) while we walked back from
church, and indeed she helped me pack, together with
my mother. I suspect she suspects something, my mother
I mean, maybe they both do. women always do. all has
been very pleasant, let her win at chess again,
although it could be that she really won, I wasn't
really paying attention to the game. We had tea
together and talked about all sorts of things. I
definitely think she likes me very much, if not love
me. That made it hard to say goodbye. I hope she
writes me back, I will certainly write her. I must go
to sleep now, or else I won't be able to get up in the
Archie/ Lt. A. Kennedy (getting used to it again.)
August 26, 1666 London.
Today my diary, I had the most wonderful day I have
had in a long time. At breakfast it already seemed
like the day would be nice and sunny (or was that just
my imagination?) and. I am so in love!
Can't help myself. We walked together while we talked
about one thing and another; what lovely weather it
was, if I had liked the sermon, if I'd write when he
did, who would beat the other at chess today. today I
won! For the second time, only I think he let me win
the first time. At tea we talked even more (gee, we
talk a lot) about books, paintings, but I found out I
don't know much of these subjects.. I mean, I have
read books, but they mean nothing here, and paintings.
but I am resolved to have changed that by the time he
gets back. I will miss him very much. He has already
said goodbye when I went upstairs to my room. He will
have to leave early in the morning. Too early in the
morning. And I won't see him for such a long time! I
hope he writes... Love,
August 27, 1666 London.
Diary, he left! I miss him already, and it is not even
ten o'clock in the morning! When I woke up there was a
note at my doorstep that contained such amazing
things! It is all I could ever hope for and never
expected to hear. He loves me, he wrote, and be it the
timing is the worst thinkable he felt I should know
before he left. If only he had told me! I will tell
him how I think of him in the letter I will write now.
So diary, please excuse me, I have 'work' to do!
Love, Anne, who is happy beyond description.
1) Der Schelling was the name of the island of
Terschelling back then. This also explains why some
historians think the name comes from the English word
shell; schelling is much more like it than
2) The Vlie is the sea-lane between the islands of
Terschelling and Vlieland.
3) VOC: Vereenigde Oost Indische Compagnie (the Dutch
East India Company.)
4) August 6 1666 is actually the 16th, but the English
still used the Julian calendar, and so they are 10
5) That ship actually was 'there'.
6) See a pattern here.?
7) The traitor!
8) Sir Robert Holmes, the expedition leader.
9) And how right Archie is here! Mr. Van Heemskerk
will join the French later in his life, when the
French join the war.
10) Sadly, that was true.
11) I believe that that was what it was called then,
sorry, never really paid attention in history.
12) After 10 days: They had left Zeeland (NL) on the
29th of July.
13) The initial plan was to attack both islands,
however they lost interest in Vlieland.
14) I know he is the younger son, but to my
convenience his brothers just 'disappeared' and his
sister and father died in an accident. Whaddaya mean,
too lazy to come up with an interesting story!
15) This is his full name. When mentioned again, De
Ruyter will do nicely.
17) This has really happened, around that time, but I
cannot find the matching dates.
18) See 17.
19) 130 out of 170 were burned and destroyed, so 40
20) Ya were already thinkin' when he'd show up, right?
21) The FanFan was the princely yacht.
22) True.oh how I love the unpredictable Schelling
23) Thanks to a 'wrong' map Brandaris (the name of the
lighthouse) was thought to be the name of the village.
It actually was called Westend, which is now shortened
24) Another fact. Yawn.
25) If I were her, I'd feel pretty stupid...
26) Duh. Who would?
27) Who only wanted to help because She resembled
something of the Duchess of Lutini...
28) Most villagers had chosen safety by hiding in the
29) Farewell in Dutch.
Ehm: these notes don't make any sense. but go ahead
and read them anyway!
30) My whole room is lavender. it goes great with
31) I really did actually.
32) Was just drinking tea when I wrote this part. I
33) I should try do that once.
34) Finally a ship everyone knows!
35) Not I Archie dear. just ask me to help you pack.
36) She has never heard of: "better late than never"!
37) I am so jealous at her.