Hornblower Baseball
by Jamie

Harry Kalas: Welcome to Veteran's Stadium! This is Harry
Kalas with my cohort, Larry Andersen. Today we have a
special event listed -- It is a match up between the
Hornblower Horns and the Simpson Snipes. The line-ups have
all ready been announced and now let's play ball!

Larry Andersen: Taking the field is the Horns, while the
manager and first baseman, Jack Simpson is coming up at
bat. I hear that there is bad blood between him and

HK: I hear there is bad blood between him and most of the
Horns. Here is the wind up and the pitch from Hornblower,
it is low and inside - ball one. Second pitch is high and
outside - ball two. Now for the 0-2 pitch, it is down the
middle to Simpson. He hits the ball right at Hornblower's
head, who catches it for out number one.

LA: Good thing that Hornblower has good reflexes. It
almost looks like the two were in a duel. Next Up is
Christopher Hunter. Look, Harry, the fans are throwing
fruit at him. The Public Announcer is making a message.
Let's let the listening audience hear what is being said.

PA announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen - there is to be no
throwing of objects onto the playing field. The next
person caught throwing anything will be ejected from the
stadium and given a $500.00 fine.

LA: Philly fans are a tough group, but I have to admit
they are a loyal bunch. I see there is another stall in
the game.

HK: Styles, the catcher for the Horns, went to pick up a
plum when Hunter knocked it out of his hand and stomped on
it. Now the grounds crew are cleaning up the mess. We
will pause for a moment from one of our sponsors.

((a commercial for Fruiticel, the natural laxative.))

HK: Welcome back to Veteran's Stadium. The grounds are
clear and we are about to resume the game. Hunter pops up
to second base, Kennedy, who easily makes the play.

LA: Now it looks like Hunter is crying that he got an out.
I can tell you, the fans here would not want him to play
for the Phillies, they would eat him alive.

HK: Batting third is Etienne DeVergesse.

LA: This is one of those men, who the ladies fall for. My
daughter says he knows how to fill out a baseball uniform.

HK: It is not just your daughter who likes him. There is
a lady in center field, who has a sign that says, ìI want
your baby!î She may want his baby, but he strikes out
the side. Now it the Horns turn to come to bat.

LA: First up is the short stop Matthews. He is very loyal
to Hornblower and almost like a father figure. Though I
hear that title goes to the manager, Ned Pellew.

HK: Yes, Hornblower and Pellew are quite close. Matthews
gets a double and here comes Edrington. Edrington gets a
blooper into right field.

LA: DeVergesse should have caught that ball. He was
primping for the ladies in the right field seats.

HK: He is not the first one to get distracted from the
right field fans. Due to the dimensions of this ball
field, the fans are close to the right field and some of
them delight in taunting the right fielder.

LA: It doesn't look like taunts to me.

HK: Coming up to bat is Eccelston. He is the power hitter
of the team. Here comes the pitch from Don Messaredo. It
might be, it could be, it is!!! A line drive home run over
the head of Montcoutant! The Horns lead the game 3-0 in
the bottom of the first inning!

LA: With all that power and finesse, this team is blessed.

{({ I realize you would not want to sit through the whole
nine innings, so I decided to rush up the action. It is
now the bottom of the sixth inning. The score is Horns 6
and Snipes 2. Chadd is on second base and there are 2
outs. Clayton is up at base with a count of 2 strikes and
no balls.})}

HK: Here is the 2-0 pitch and it is a grounder to the
Snipes third baseman, Romero. Romero throws to Simpson for
the out. Chadd is left hanging at second base.

LA: (Larry laughs) You could just call him a hanging

HK: (ignores the joke) Moncoutant is up at the plate. It
seems as if the fans are giving him the Tomahawk chop.

LA: Harry, I believe that is in reference to his love of

HK: Moncoutant swings and misses, he has struck out.
Joubert, the next batter gets a gapper through and lands at
first base. Here comes Bunting. The crowd here is going

LA: Yes, they are heckling in unison. You have to love
this crowd, they are shouting, ìI'm hungry!î

HK: Bunting is bunting. Obviously, he feels that with
only one out, that he can sacrifice himself.

LA: With the pitcher's spot up next, I don't feel this is
a wise move.

HK: You have a point, there. Bunting bunts successfully
to move up Joubert, but there seems to be a problem at
first base. Bunting is arguing with the umpire.

LA: Let's listen to the microphone located near first

Bunting: Do you call this justice?

Umpire: What are you talking about? You are out and
anymore arguing will mean you will not only be out of the
inning, but out of the game.

Simpson: (rushing over to first base) What is going on
here? I am manager of this team! The team is mine! So is
this base, get off my base!

Umpire: That is it, both of you out of the game!

Simpson: (kicking dirt on the umpire's shoes) This is not
over, you have not heard the last of me!

Both he and Bunting leave the field.

LA: This means that there will be some changes made on the
team. We will tell you the changes made after we pause for
a commercial break.

((Commercial for Homeowner's insurance. Own a piece of the

HK: Dreadnought Foster, the pitching coach of the Snipes,
is now in as manager of the team. Mariette will be taking
the duties at first base, while the Chicken Snatcher will
be at second base. What kind of name is Chicken Snatcher?
My papers don't have a proper name for him.

LA: I have heard his friends call him Phillippe. Mariette
is the only woman on the team, I am sure the men would be
interested in her.

HK: There are two outs for the Snipes and Pitcher Don
Masserado is up. This is where the bunting Bunting comes
to harm the Snipes. Masserado is not known as a hitting

LA: They have given up any chances of scoring in this

HK: Right again, LA, Messerado pops up to the catcher
Styles. That ends the inning and it is time for the
seventh inning stretch.

LA: Time for us to throw out Cracker Jack to the fans as
they sing ìTake me Out to the Ballgame.î

As the two throw the bags of peanuts and Cracker Jack out
of their broadcast window, security guards come to the

Officer #1: We are sorry to inform you that we have to
eject you from the stadium.

HK: But we always toss Cracker Jack to the fans during the
seventh inning stretch.

LA: It is a tradition. The one thing about baseball is
that it is steeped in tradition.

Officer #2: Did you hear the announcement that was made
earlier? The next person caught throwing anything onto the
field will be ejected.

HK: But, we threw into the stands, not onto the field.

Officer #1: Even so, the fans out in left field are upset
that you are only having the fans from behind home plate
benefit. They have petitioned to have the Phillie Phanatic
distribute the Cracker Jack equally to the fans.

Officer #2 handcuffs both Harry and Larry.

HK: Are these handcuffs necessary?

LA: I want my Miranda rights read to me! Hey, are we
going to Eagles court?

The officers drag Harry and Larry away. Hether and
Cleveland come into the booth to continue the commentary of
the game.

Cleveland: Good Afternoon Ladies and Gents! We are your
new announcers. I am Cleveland and this is my mate,

Hether: This is America, you dope! They will think we are
more than just friends. They say buddy not mate, here. Do
you know anything about this game of baseball, Cleveland?

Cleveland: No, I thought you did. Well, we can give it a
try. Is it anything like Cricket?

Hether: Don't rightly know, but the game is starting.
There is a man at a plate shaped like a little house and he
is carrying a bat. Hornblower has a small round ball in
his hand. He throws it at the man. Damn unsportingly of
him, don't you think Cleveland?

Cleveland: That is what he is supposed to do, Hether. See
the man has dropped the bat and is now going at Hornblower.
Is that supposed to happen? They are all jumping on top
of each other. It is like a party in the middle of the
field. I think I like this game, Hether.

The End

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