The Lord Edrington Naval Fashion Awards
by Rose2LadyUtena

The Entertainment Industry loves to shamelessly honor itself,
especially during the early months of the year. Imagine what would
happen if the Royal British Navy of the Napoleonic Era took such
action, congratulating itself for its own accomplishment. Being the
insane universe literature is, why not have the Royal Navy, Fashion
Awards, and Oscars coincide? The result may be something like "The
Lord Edrington Naval fashion Awards", though it does not rate the
best plot and character devices with some of the most atrocious
writing to be seen! Before daring to read this ludicrous catastrophe,
it is recommended you read the list of nominations.

NOMINATIONS FOR LORD EDRINGTON NAVAL FASHION AWARDS.

BEST DRESSED MAN - Lieutenant Anthony Bracegirdle, "The Examination
for Lieutenant"; Lord Major Edrington, "The Frogs and the Lobsters";
Commodore Sir Edward Pellew, "Retribution".
BEST DRESSED WOMAN - Duchess Katherine Cobham, "The Duchess and the
Devil"; Mariette du Muzillac, "The Frogs and the Lobsters"; Maria
Mason, "Duty"
BEST DRESSED LOBSTER - Lord Major Edrington, "The Frogs and the
Lobsters"
BEST DRESSED FROG - Baron General Charette, "The Frogs and the
Lobsters"; Major Andre Cotard, "Loyalty"; Colonel Marquis du
Moncoutant, "The Frogs and the Lobsters"
BEST DRESSED SPAINARD - Don Alfredo de Massaredo, "The Duchess and
the Devil"
BEST DRESSED CAPTAIN - Dreadnought Foster, "The Examination for
Lieutenant"; Black Charlie Hammond, "Retribution"; Sir Edward
Pellew, "The Even Chance"
BEST DRESSED LIEUTENANT - Anthony Bracegirdle, "The Examination for
Lieutenant"; William Bush, "Mutiny"; Horatio Hornblower, "The Frogs
and the Lobsters"
BEST DRESSED MIDSHIPMAN - Clayton, "The Even Chance"; Charles
Orrock, "Loyalty"; Henry Wellard, "Mutiny".
BEST DRESSED WARRANT OFFICER - Master Bowles, "The Frogs and the
Lobsters"; Gunner Hobbs, "Retribution"; Master Prowse, "Duty"
BEST DRESSED SEAMAN - Oldroyd, "The Frogs and the Lobsters";
Matthews, "Retribution"; Styles, "Retribution"
BEST DRESSED SURLY SEAMAN - Bunting, "The Examination for
Lieutenant"; Randall, "Mutiny"; "The Even Chance"
BEST DRESSED IN WET CLOTHING - William Bush, "Retribution"; Horatio
Hornblower, "The Even Chance"; Oldroyd, "The Frogs and the Lobsters"
BEST SHIRTLESS -William Bush, "Retribution"; Horatio Hornblower, "The
Even Chance"; Matthews, "Retribution"
BEST HAT - Lord Edrington, "The Frogs and the Lobsters"; Horatio
Hornblower, "The Examination for Lieutenant"; Sir Edward
Pellew, "Retribution"
BEST BOOTS - Andre Cotard, "Loyalty"; Lord Edrington, "The Frogs and
the Lobsters"; Archie Kennedy, "The Frogs and the Lobsters"
BEST POWDERED WIG - Clive, "Retribution"; Keane, "The Even Chance";
Prowse, "Loyalty"
BEST HAIR WORN BOUND - William Bush, "Loyalty"; Lord Edrington, "The
Frogs and the Lobsters"; Sir Edward Pellew, "The Wrong War"
BEST HAIR WORN UNBOUND - Horatio Hornblower, "The Even Chance";
Archie Kennedy, "The Duchess and the Devil"; James
Sawyer, "Retribution"
BEST SCARS - Buckland, "Retribution"; Dreadnought Foster, "The
Examination for Lieutenant"; Horatio Hornblower, "The Even Chance"
BEST MAKE-UP - Duchess Katherine Cobham, "The Duchess and the Devil";
Misses Mason, "Duty"; Marquis de Moncoutant, "The Frogs and the
Lobsters"
BEST ACCESSORY - Lord Edrington and Horse, "The Frogs and the
Lobsters"; Horatio Hornblower and Gloves, "Duty"; Archie Kennedy and
Spyglass,"Retribution"

SCENE - Interior of Admiralty Theatre in Portsmouth, England in 1803

*The curtains on stage open, revealing one Royal British Marine with
the rank of Sergeant who is formally attired; he Sergeant Whiting,
who served aboard the "Renown" without distinction. He approaches the
podium in the front center of the stage, grasping the sealed Orders
from the Lords of the Admiralty. He coughs as he stands before the
audience of Naval Officers, the majority being Captains. He rests his
hands atop the podium as he lays down the Orders, his hands trembling
while he opens his mouth to speak*

WHITING - *Drunkenly* Uh, hello. Good mornin'. Cheerio. I'm here to-

*Sergeant Whiting collapses over the podium, but is forcefully shoved
aside by some shadowed figured. It is revealed to be this short and
stocky man clothed in the exquisitely tailored uniform of Steward for
Lord Admiral. He approaches podium with aristocratic poise as he
proceeds to unseal orders with the artistry of the best bistro chef
in all of Europe.*

DOUGHTY - *Smiles* I am James Doughty, Admiral's Steward. Well, I
was Admiral's Steward until I became Captain's Steward, but I forced
to desert, but I will tell you my woeful tale later, perhaps during
the intermission of if some sailor has a long winded speech.
*Audience laughs heartily while Doughty reads the Orders* Ahem, it
is the beginning of the New Year, so allow us to reflect upon the
last few by honoring the achievement of persons who have advanced the
cause of fashion from the eighteenth to the nineteenth century. I am
pleased to present nominations and victors for the Lord Edrington
Naval Fashion Awards, to honor those style conscious few who shall
perpetuate civilization forward by determining the answer to the most
demanding question of any day--"What ever shall I wear?" *Audience
laughs* The Lords of the Admiralty proudly present with the
prestigious power endowed upon them by His Majestic Majesty--LORD
EDRINGTON NAVAL FASHION AWARDS. *Audience applauds* The first
category is for BEST DRESSED MAN are Lieutenant Anthony
Bracegirdle, "The Examination for Lieutenant"; *Naval Officers and
Seaman cheer* Lord Major Edrington, "The Frogs and the Lobsters";
*Army Officers cheer* and Commodore Sir Edward Pellew, "Retribution".
*Audience cheers enthusiastically* Their Lords have selected
*Squeals* Sir Edward Pellew, now Admiral himself!

*Audience applauds as Pellew arises from chair to bow to audience who
not only applaud, but cheer like children*

PELLEW - *Clears his throats* Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, the
Admiralty and His Majesty; but Doughty, I believe this award was
scheduled to be announced last.

DOUGHTY - *Reads Orders* Well, it is written here by Lord Hood that
Best Dressed Man is to be read aloud first.

PELLEW - *Raises arms* Good God! That man has lost his mind yet
again! *Seats himself and turns to his wife* Susannah, whatever will
the Navy do if he remains in command? *Rests his throbbing head
between his trembling hands* We will never defeat Boney this way!

SUSANNAH - *Pats his arm* Now, dear, remember your duty. *Grins*
That's what you advise me whenever you are summoned by the Lords of
the Admiralty.. Now stop pouting because I'm sure you'll be very
victorious this evening. They're giving each winner a fine casket of
Madeira.

PELLEW - *Smiles* Ah. yes!

DOUGHTY - Now, the nominations for BEST DRESSED WOMAN are Duchess
Katherine Cobham, "The Duchess and the Devil"; *Audience cheers*
Mariette du Muzillac, "The Frogs and the Lobsters"; *Audience jeers*
and Maria Mason, "Duty" *Audience jeers and Young Rakes throw
vegetables at her mother*.

MARIA - *Cries infernally* Horry, they're picking on my mother!

HORATIO - *Raises eyebrow* Oh, I hadn't noticed, but it's always good
to see fresh vegetables. The men's morale will rise with that.

MARIA - *Bawls infernally* But look! *Points at Young Rakes* They're
throwing rotten tomatoes!

HORATIO - Hmm, well, they look fresh to me.

DOUGHTY - I think someone has been eating too much of Styles' fine
French cuisine. *Audience laughs heartily* Now, the fortunate lady
who is Best Dressed Woman is the Duchess herself! *Audience applauds*
Unfortunately, she couldn't be with us this evening, as she had a
severe case of seasickness. *Audience cries* Now, she's sent her
apologies and each one of you has tickets to her next production
entitled "The Boy Who Would Be Captain". *Audience cheers* I hear
it's auto-biographical, based upon the naval career of a fine young
officer I had the opportunity to serve with, mysteriously known only
as Mister Haitch; but I'm prohibited by revealing his name because he
suffers from acute Modesticus Unegotisticalness.

BUSH - *Bellows* In plain English if you please!

DOUGHTY - *Rolls his eyes* He suffers from shyness. Severe, severe
shyness. Now the nominations for BEST DRESSED LOBSTER is Lord Major
Edrington, "The Frogs and the Lobsters". *Audience cheers* He's
obviously the only victor, since no one else in the army is such a
snazzy dresser. Does the Major have anything to say?

EDRINGTON - *Smugly from atop Horse* Well, I am to be addressed as
Lord, for I am the Earl of Edrington. *Audience laughs* But I do say,
the better dressed the men in the Army, the more victories they shall
command at the King George Royal Fashion Awards. *Army Officers
cheer* After all, just look at the Navy. *Army Officers laugh and
Naval Officers jeer*

DOUGHTY - All well and good Major, uh, Lord. Now the nominations for
BEST DRESSED FROG include Baron General Charette, "The Frogs and the
Lobsters"-

OLDROYD -Vive le roi! *Styles smacks him* Hey!

*Styles attempts to smack Oldroyd again, but Matthews intercedes*

MATTHEWS - Now, we don't want any trouble 'ere.

STYLES - But-

BUSH - *Bellows* Styles, take Matthews friendly word of advice or I
will have you flogged around the fleet!

STYLES - But sir-

MATTHEWS - *Through gritted teeth* Styles, listen! You know 'e'll do
it.

DOUGHTY - *Sighs* As I was saying, Best Dresses Frog nominees are
Major Andre Cotard, "Loyalty" *Audience roars* and Colonel Marquis du
Moncoutant, "The Frogs and the Lobsters". *Audience Jeers* The winner
is Major Cotard!

*Audience applauds as Cotard stands poised upon his chair, bowing
most aristocratically*

COTARD - *Stares toward Bush* I dedicate my award to Monsieur Bush,
who I 'ad the 'onor of sharing a berth with aboard le "''Otspur".
*Females cheer* I zank you in the name of France, uh, at least la
France we 'ope to 'ave when we kick Bonaparte out! *Audience cheers*
Et Bush, no more filthy curtains et canvas bags! I will petition le
Admiralty to give you le finest lieutenant cabin in all of Europe!
*Females cheer* I zank you all. *Seats himself*

*Females continue to cheer fanatically, with a few fainting*

DOUGHTY - Quiet please, young ladies. Now the BEST DRESSED SPAINARD
goes to Don Alfredo de Massaredo, "The Duchess and the Devil", the
only nomination since none of the other Spainards seem to have names.
Well, there was Senora Ortega, but let me say this--she wasn't really
dressed! *Army and Naval Officers laugh* He of course is stuck at El
Ferrol, but he does dedicate his award to Captain Horatio Hornblower!
*Audience cheers*

ORROCK - Three cheers for the Captain!

HOTSPUR CREW - *Fanatically* Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip, hooray! Hip
hip, hooray!

*Hornblower blushes and sinks into his seat, while Maria and her
mother encourage him to bow to the audience*

DOUGHTY - Looks like he suffers from acute shyness too. Onward we go
to the nominations for BEST DRESSED CAPTAIN with Dreadnought Luke
Foster, "The Examination for Lieutenant"-

DREADNOUGHT CREW- *Enthusiastically* Use the Force Luke! Use the
Force Luke! Use the Force Luke!

DOUGHTY - *Rolls his eyes* Black Charlie Hammond, "Retribution"
*Females jeer* and Sir Edward Pellew, "The Even Chance"! *Audience
cheers* And the winner is *Squeals* Oh my God! It's Pellew! Oh, Sir
Edward! I'm so happy! I'm so happy! *Tears well in his eyes* Oh, two
victories in one night!

PELLEW - *Uneasily* Well, I was only doing my duty.

SUSANNAH - See, I told you so Teddy! *Kisses Pellew on the cheek*

PELLEW - *Whispers* Yes dear, but you mustn't call be Teddy is front
of the men. *Susan kisses Pellew on the lips* Now dear-

SUSAN - Just wait, you'll snatch a few more prizes. After all, you
are indefatigable when there are prizes to be had.

FOSTER - *Angrily* Pellew, I may be forced to commandeer command of
this award ceremony if you have anymore victories!

HAMMOND - Shut up, sir, or I'll help preside over your court marshal!

FOSTER - *Stands up forcefully* Really? *Unsheathes pistol* Well,
it'll be a duel for us tomorrow at dawn, man. You'll never sit your
fat ass anymore committees, with your sword up your ass!

HAMMOND - *Stands up furiously* I take offense sir!

FOSTER - I take offense just sitting in the same room with you!

PELLEW - *Screams* Quiet! One more outburst out of either of you will
shipwreck you permanently on half pay! Now sit down and shut up!
*Crosses his arms* Now continue Doughty.

DOUGHTY - *Clears throat* Ahem, thank you Sir Edward! *Audience
cheers* Well now it's time for the nominees for BEST DRESSED
LIEUTENANT with Anthony Bracegirdle, "The Examination for
Lieutenant", *Naval Officers cheer* William Bush, "Mutiny", *Females
cheer* and Horatio Hornblower, "The Frogs and the Lobsters".
*Audience cheers* The winner is, oh my, Bracegirdle?

*Bracegirdle comes upon stage, bowing to the audience who wildly
cheers. He stands perfectly poised before the podium as he smiles
mischievously*

BRACEGIRDLE - Officers of both the Army and Navy, *Audience cheers*
one can never have enough clean shirts and stockings, so I shall
petition the Admiralty to address this problem with the utmost
importance. If Britain is to be the Mother of all nations, we must be
the best dressed in the world! *Audience roars* Thank you! Thank you!
*Bows as he departs the stage*

DOUGHTY - *Sighs* Well, I never! I was so sure Hornblower was going
to win! *Females and Hotspur Crew cheer* So onward to the BEST
DRESSED MIDSHIPMAN! The nominees are Clayton, "The Even Chance";
Charles Orrock, "Loyalty"; and Henry Wellard, "Mutiny".

SIMPSON - *Stands up with pistols in each hand* What about me,
Snotty? *Audience jeers*

DOUGHTY - Well, no one likes you. You picked on Hornblower and
Kennedy. *Audience applauds* Now, haul him away Marines!

*Marines haul Simpson away, who struggles maliciously to escape*

SIMPSON - *Cries* I'll be back for you! I will! I will! Just wait
until my descendents move to Springfield! Just you wait! *Exits with
Marines*

DOUGHTY - I suppose that was our entertainment, provided by Admiral
Hood. *Audience laughs* So who's the Best Dressed Midshipman?
*Squeals* I can't read this! It looks like someone spilled some ink,
some ink mixed with pepper-

STYLES - *Bitterly* Well, maybe they realized they made some bad
choices. Like where's Mista 'Ornblowa? *Females cheer wildly* Or
Kennedy? *Females cheer more fanatically* Or even that 'ardass Bush?
*Females cheer even more insanely* Listen, they're on my side! The
people know! *Audience applauds with fervor*

DOUGHTY - *Furiously* You bloody fool! *Runs offstage to confront
Styles* You ruin everything! Everything!

STYLES - *Pushes Doughty aside* It's time I someone else took ova
this show! *Struts down the aisle with Doughty following* I know 'ow
to make things fun!

*Bush arises from seat to confront Styles*

BUSH - You are not going to ruin this award show!

STYLES - *Stops* But sir- *Doughty jumps on the back of Styles as if
he is to receive some piggy-back ride, but Styles spins in circles
until both collapse to the floor with severe dizziness with Doughty
nearly unconscious* But sir-

BUSH - *Shakes his head* No Styles, because this show is going to be
hosted by-

COTARD - *Arrogantly* Moi! *Coughs* Et Monsieur Bush! *Females cheer*
Come along, William! * Approaches Bush and hauls him onstage by his
collar as Females scream*

BUSH - *Struggles to escape* But I hate giving speeches and- *Cotard
lets go off Bush*

COTARD *Approaches podium and reads Orders for one moment* I am now
host. Moi! Only me! Moi! Now, um, let me see. Oh, next are les
nominees for BEST DRESSED WARRANT OFFICER with Master Bowles, "The
Frogs and the Lobsters"; Gunner Hobbs, "Retribution"; *Audience
jeers* and Master Prowse, "Duty". The winner is Master Bowles.
*Audience cheers* Who is zis Bowles fellow?

BUSH - *Rolls his eyes* Everyone in the Fleet knows how Bracegirdle
and Bowles are in an eternal game of acey-deucy. *Naval Officers
laugh* Last time I heard, Bowles was champion. *Naval Officers
applaud*

BOWLES - *From seat* That's right! And I dedicate my award to
Bracegirdle, the Best Dressed Lieutenant! *Audience cheers*

BRACEGIRDLE - To the Best Dressed Warrant Officer! *Audience cheers*

COTARD - Whatever. *Rolls his eyes* Now for the BEST DRESSED SEAMAN,
les nominees are Matthews, "Retribution"; *Seamen cheer*
Oldroyd, "The Frogs and the Lobsters"; and Styles, "Loyalty". Award
for seaman? Zose creatures zat make mildew canvas bags et dirty
curtains? I will not go near zat filth! *Runs offstage followed by
Females*

BUSH *Nears podium* Command of these ceremonies has been thrust upon me, but
no one should envy this position. *Females cheer as he reads Orders* The
Best Dressed Seaman is Matthews! *Audience applauds* A more reasonable
choice could not be made! *Seamen cheer*

MATTHEWS - Thank you, sir! It's an 'onor, sir! *Audience cheers*

BUSH - *Continues to read* The nominees for BEST DRESSED SURLY SEAMAN are
Bunting, "The Examination for Lieutenant"; Randall, "Mutiny"; *Seamen jeer*
and Styles, "The Even Chance". Bloody hell, the winner is Styles. *Audience
roars*

STYLES - *Comes upon stage to hug Bush* Thank you sir! Thank you sir!
*Audience cheers*

BUSH - *Blushes* The audience is watching us-

STYLES - *Teary-eyes* I 'aven't eva won anything in me life! *Kisses Bush on
the cheek* Thank you sir! I dedicate me award to all the chickens out there.
God bless you! *Hugs Bush tightly* Oh, thanks again, sir!

BUSH - *Pushes Styles aside as he resumes reading* The nominees for BEST
DRESSED IN WET CLOTHING are, well, um--William Bush, "Retribution"; *Females
cheer insanely* Horatio Hornblower, "The Even Chance"; *Audience cheers* and
Oldroyd, "The Frogs and the Lobsters". The winner, thankfully, is not me,
*Females jeer* but Oldroyd! *Audience applauds*

OLDROYD - Vive le roi! I won! *Runs onstage* Thank you, sir! *Hugs Bush and
Styles* I knew that the bucket o' water they threw at me would bring me luck
someday! *Styles smacks Oldroyd* Hey! I just won!

STYLES - So did I! *Smacks Oldroyd*

BUSH - *Bellows* Belay that men! I have an audience to entertain! *Females
cheer insanely*

HOBBS - A little sport never hurt anyone! *Seamen cheer*

SEAMEN - *Lustily* Fight! Fight! Fight!

PELLEW - *Furiously* Quiet, or the Captains here will have you flogged
around the fleet! *Seamen are silent* Good, now on with the show Mister
Bush!

BUSH - *Shakes his head annoyed* Thank you sir. *Reads annoyed* What type of
category is this? Oh well, the nominees for BEST SHIRTLESS are me in
"Retribution"; *Females cheer* Horatio Hornblower, "The Even Chance";
*Audience cheers* and Matthews, "Retribution" *Seamen cheer* Oh, bloody
hell, I'm the winner. *Audience cheers wildly, especially the Females while
Bush blushes* Who the hell came up with this category? *Enter Cotard* You
again?

COTARD - Oui. I suggested it because I should be le champion! *Removes cape
and shirt while Females cheer* Look at moi! I look like les Greco-Roman
sculptures! Look at zis torso, so classical! *Females cheer
enthusiastically, while some begin to faint* See, the women cannot deny la
beauty of le Frenchman. Why do we speak le language of love? *Audience
jeers* What is zis? Booing? *Teary-eyed* But I am Lord of la Dance-

BUSH - Remember, mon ami, that you are in England. *Cotard struts offstage*
Well now, nominees for BEST HAT are Lord Edrington, "The Frogs and the
Lobsters"; *Army Officers cheer* Horatio Hornblower, "The Examination for
Lieutenant"; *Audience cheers* and Sir Edward Pellew, "Retribution"
*Audience cheers zealously* The champion of this round is Lord Edrington!
*Army Officers cheer while Seamen jeer* May I congratulate you, Lord?

EDRINGTON - *Haughtily from atop Horse* Well, you should also thank the
Army, for they do have the most perfect hats in all of Europe. *Army cheers*
Unfortunately, most Naval gentlemen have decided to wear their hats in the
most atrocious manner. *Audience laughs*

DOUGHTY - *Clears throat* Sir, I believe it is time for refreshments.

EDRINGTON - *Blinks* Oh, yes.

DOUGHTY - *Approaches stage* I will resume my hosting duties, if you please.

BUSH - *Smiles* The honor is all yours. *Departs from stage as Doughty
approaches podium, but he must attempt to evade ecstatic Females*

DOUGHTY - *Clears his throat* Now, refreshments are courtesy the Betsey
Bonaparte Foundation for the Freedom of Jerome Bonaparte the Unjustly
Imprisoned Brother of Napoleon Bonaparte *Audience jeers* How can you
criticize their catering? It cost the taxpayers nothing! After all, I did
all the cooking myself. *Admirals cheer* The Lords of the Admiralty could
tell you how my delicacies delight the prestigious palate of all persons, at
least those who don't put pepper on everything. *Audience laughs* And for
the entertainment of the ear, the most melodious music is provided by the
Rock Scorpions of Southampton Row. *Audience applauds* Now, ladies and
gentlemen, Lords and Admirals, the Rock Scorpions! *Midshipmen and Seamen
scream fanatically*

ROCK SCORPIONS - *Sing like drunken seamen* Where can you find fine grog/And
shot some dandy Frogs/Or get hung from yardarms/And receive battle scars/On
the land or on the sea/Where you can learn to fight/In topmasts and on
deck/Or get in a shipwreck/Get pressed in to service/And give the Gunner's
Daughter a kiss/Or pick on midshipmen in sight/On the Indy/Yes, you can sail
the Seven Seas/On the Indy/Yes, you can put your mind at ease/On the
Indy/Come on now, people, make a stand/On the Indy, the Bloody Indy!/Can't
you see we need a hand/On the Indy/Come on, protect Great Britain/On the
Indy/Come on and join your fellow man/On the Indy/Come on people, and make a
stand/On the Indy, the Bloody Indy!/They need you, they need you/They press
you as a new recruit/If you like adventures/Don't wait for the pressers/Come
aboard the frigate fast/Don't you hesitate/There's no need to wait/The
Fleet's going after Boney's Ass/Come aboard and get a gun/To shot those damn
Frogs/Don't you worry 'bout a thing/Because your Captain will see/There's
always Navy/Protecting the land and sea/On the Indy/Yes, you can sail the
Seven Seas/On the Indy/Yes, you can put your mind at ease/On the Indy/Come
on now, people, make a stand/On the Indy, the Bloody Indy!/Can't you see we
need a hand/On the Indy/Come on, protect Great Britain/On the Indy/Come on
and join your fellow man/On the Indy/Come on people, and make a stand /On
the Indy, the Bloody Indy!/They need you, they need you/They press you as a
new recruit/Who me?/They need you, they need you/They press you as a new
recruit /But, I'm afraid of water and-/Man, hey look-/That's the man that
got seasick in Spithead!/They need you, they need you on the Indy!/Oh my
goodness/What am I gonna do on a frigate?/They need you, they need you on
the Indy! *Midshipmen and Seamen scream fanatically*

DOUGHTY - Ah, quiet please! *Midshipmen and Seamen continue to squeal and
scream insanely* Ahem, quiet please! *Clears throat* Silence!

PELLEW - *Bellows* Quiet! *Midshipmen and Seamen are silent* Thank you
gentlemen.

DOUGHTY - Well, I apologize to the aristocrats present, but teh
Admiralty has limited funds for entertainment since Admiral Hood
needed to purchase the most pompous wig in Portsmouth. *Navy Officers
chuckle* Now, the next category is for BEST BOOTS. The nominees are
Andre Cotard, "Loyalty"; *Females cheer* Lord Edrington, "The Frogs
and the Lobsters"; *Army Officers cheer* and Archie Kennedy, "The
Frogs and the Lobsters" *Audience cheers hysterically*

FEMALES - *Desperately* Archie! Archie! Archiie! *Several faint*
Archie! Archie! Oh, Archie!

DOUGHTY - *Rolls his eyes* The winner is, uh, Archie? *Audience
cheers hysterically*

EDRINGTON - *Arrogantly* His boots were of French design!

COTARD - *Indignantly* Why, I wear les finest boots in all of Europe.
Look at my beautiful calves! *Females cheer*

EDRINGTON - My horse has finer calve muscles than any Frenchman!
*Army Officers cheer*

ARCHIE - *Enters onstage to hysterical cries* Unfortunately for you
fine and fashionable gentlemen, it was decided I am more handsome in
boots. *Audience cheers wildly*

COTARD - *Flabbergasted* But I have les sexiest calves in le world!

EDRINGTON - *Smirks* I am afraid Major, you are quite mistaken.
*Horse nods in agreement*

ARCHIE - I am afraid the Lords of the Admiralty bestowed that honor
upon Lieutenant Bracegirdle. *Naval Officers laugh* Now, I do suggest
you enter some contest for scrawniest calve muscles with Captain
Hornblower, *Horatio blushes* who has been known to fill his
stockings with the terrible cooking of Styles. *Audience laughs as he
departs from stage*

DOUGHTY - *Places hands on his hips* Well, are you gentlemen done
with your duel?

COTARD AND EDRINGTON - No!

DOUGHTY - *Sighs* Well, you better, Mister Bush will strum you both
up by your thumbs. *Audience laughs* Now, we move into the hair and
make-up department. The nominations for BEST POWDERED WIG are
Clive, "Retribution"; *Audience jeers* Keane, "The Even Chance";
Prowse, "Loyalty". *Hotspur Crew cheers* The winner is, by some
misfortune, Doctor Clive.

CLIVE - *Scuffles across stage as he is extraordinarily drunk* Well,
thank you. Thank you, very much. Can I have my Madeira now? *Hiccups*
Well, what are you all looking at? Never seen a nice wig like mine?
You can't have it! *Hiccups* It was a gift from Captain Sawyer when
we first went to the West Indies and got yellow fever. And Mister
Buckland, Acting-Captain Buckland, you were never, never in the West
Indies. *Hiccups* Does anyone have any laudanum? *Hiccups* Thank you.
Thank you! I shake it! *Dances across the stage* Where's the Madeira?
*Hiccups*

ARCHIE - *Rolls his eyes* Doctor Clive, will you please stop
prevaricating?

CLIVE - I am a Doctor! You can't tell me what to do! *Hiccups* I'll
tell Captain Sawyer. He'll flog you. *Collapses upon stage near the
feet of Doughty*

DOUGHTY - Oh dear! A man drunk on duty! *Seamen chuckle* Well, we'll
put him in irons! Marines! *Marines haul drunken Clive offstage* Now
onward we go to nominees for BEST HAIR WORN BOUND. Those fortunate
few, with a full head of hair mind you, *Audience giggles* are
William Bush, "Loyalty";*females cheer* Lord Edrington, "The Frogs
and the Lobsters"; *Army Officers cheer* and *Squeals* Sir Edward
Pellew, "The Wrong War"! The winner is, uh, my god! *Cries* Oh, Sir
Edward! You won again! *Audience cheers intensely*

HORATIO - *Smiles* Sir, Congratulations!

PELLEW - *Grins* Well, I will be certain to bestow some of my fine
Madeira upon you, since I noticed a shortage of prizes in your honor.

HORATIO - *Blushes* Please, sir, it is the choice of the Admiralty. I
do not-

MASON - *Pounces upon Horatio* You listen here, young rake. You owe
my Maria some good beverages!

BUSH - I believe you speak of yourself, Misses Mason.

MASON - *Sneers* I didn't ask you, you knave! But Horatio better be
good to my Maria! *Seats herself* He's got her knocked up, he did!
*Audience laughs* Don't know how when he'd rather sleep with his
ship, that wooden whore!

BUSH - As you would sleep with a bottle of gin. *Audience laughs*

ARCHIE - Perhaps we ought to make her acquaintance with the
Lieutenant who was caught napping? *Audience laughs furiously*

DOUGHTY - Well, now the nominations for BEST HAIR WORN UNBOUND are
Horatio Hornblower, "The Even Chance"; *Audience cheers* Archie
Kennedy, "The Duchess and the Devil"; *Audience cheers hysterically*
and James Sawyer, "Retribution" *Seamen jeer*. The winner is, well,
who else but-

MASON - *Runs onstage* Horatio!

DOUGHTY - *Shakes his head* No, it is Archie! *Audience squeals
delightfully*

MASON - Bah! *Exits from stage*

ARCHIE - *Nudges Horatio* Now we really can drink Portsmouth dry
Horatio! *Horatio pouts* Don't worry man! There's still a few more
awards to go!

HORATIO - *Mumbles* But I never get prizes from the Admiralty!

DOUGHTY - Now, there are three categories left. The nominees for BEST
SCARS are Buckland, "Retribution"; *Audience jeers* Dreadnought Luke
Foster, "The Examination for Lieutenant"-

DREADNOUGHT CREW - Use the Force Luke! Use the Force Luke! Use the
Force Luke!

DOUGHTY - *Sighs* Horatio Hornblower, "The Even Chance" *Audience
cheers hysterically*.

MARIA - *Kisses Horatio on cheek* Oh, Horry, I know you'll win this
one!

HORATIO - *Through gritted teeth* Maria, please don't kiss me in
public-

MARIA - *Cries infernally* But I love you! Mother! Horatio's being an
insensitive bastard again!

MASON - Well, if Mister Mason were here-

BUSH - Yes, what would Mister Mason do?

MASON - He'd beat the crap out of rakes like you!

STYLES - *Mumbles* I'd like to see that!

MATTHEWS - *Grumbles* Styles, man, watch yourself!

DOUGHTY - *Clears throat* Ahem, well the winner is, uh, it's a tie. A
tie? *Pauses* Oh well, it goes to Dreadnought Foster and Horatio
Hornblower! *Audience goes into hysterics*

MARIA - Oh, Horry! *Kisses Horatio on the lips* Oh Horry! *Hugs
Horatio with death grip*

HORATIO - *Gasps* I...can't...breathe!

MASON - *Teary-eyed* I think this is the happiest day of my life!
*Kisses Bush on the lips*

BUSH - *Forcefully shoves Mason from himself* Madame, that is
unbecoming behavior for a widow!

MASON - *Leans toward Bush* But I really like young rakes!

FEMALES - *Insanely* Horry! Horry! Horry!

MARIA - They love you, dearie!

HORATIO - I...need...air! Help...me!

DOUGHTY - And our next category is for BEST MAKE-UP, with nomination
for Duchess Katherine Cobham, "The Duchess and the Devil"; *Audience
cheers* Misses Mason, "Duty"; *Young Rakes cheer* and Marquis de
Moncoutant, "The Frogs and the Lobsters". *Audience jeers intensely*
Well, the winner here is-

MASON - Me!

DOUGHTY - No, you old shrew! *Mason scowls* The winner is Moncoutant.
*Audience jeers* He, fortunately, could not attend this ceremony as
his head has been separated from his body. But, under a flag of
truce, the Republic of France has transported his make-up here for
the use of the Navy. There was a total of about fifty tons, enough to
keep the ladies of the Admirals beautiful for a week. *Army and Naval
Officers laugh* Now our last category tonight is for BEST ACCESSORY.
The nominees are Lord Edrington and Horse, "The Frogs and the
Lobsters"; *Army Officers cheer* Horatio Hornblower and
Gloves, "Duty"; *Audience cheers* and Archie Kennedy and
Spyglass, "Retribution". *Audience squeals* The winner is-

MARIA- *Squeezes Horatio tighter* Horry!

HORATIO -
Help.....me.....some....bo......dy.....please.....I.....am.....dead...
..

DOUGHTY - No, the winner is Archie! *Audience becomes hysterical*
Well, what does Lieutenant Kennedy have to say?

KENNEDY - *Smiles* Well, it did help us defeat the Spanish.

BUSH - *Grumbles* And prove what a voyeur you are.

KENNEDY - Did you say something Mister Bush?

BUSH - Oh, congratulations!

KENNEDY - And congratulations to you, winning Best Shirtless!
*Audience laughs*

DOUGHTY - Well, it's two o'clock in the morning in Portsmouth. It's
time for a late dinner, would anyone like crumpets?