The Dead Lieutenant's Sketch
by Sarah

Based on Monty Python's 'Dead Parrot' sketch
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Hornblower enters a shop.
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Hornblower: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Hornblower: Hello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean, "miss"?
Hornblower: <pause> I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Hornblower: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Lieutenant what I purchased not three episodes ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Archie Kennedy...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?
Hornblower: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. He's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Hornblower: Look, matey, I know a dead Lieutenant when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No, no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable character, Beautiful blond hair!
Hornblower: The blond hair doesn't enter into it. He's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Hornblower: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! Hello, Mister Kennedy!
Owner: There, he moved!
Hornblower: No, he didn't, that was you!
Owner: I never!!
Hornblower: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Hornblower: (yelling repeatedly) Hello! Mr Kennedy
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your eight bells alarm call!
Now that's what I call a dead lieutenant.
Owner: No, no..... No, 'e's stunned!
Hornblower: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Archie Kennedy's stun easily, major.
Hornblower: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely had enough of this. That Lieutenant is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not three episodes ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to him being shy and tired out following prolonged bullying by a Mr Simpson.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for home.
Hornblower: Pining for home?!?!?!? What kind of cowardly landlubber talk is that? look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him onboard?
Owner: The Archie Kennedy prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable Officer, id'nit he, sir? Lovely blonde hair!
Hornblower: Look, he went through a court martial when we got to shore, and I discovered the only reason he had confessed to mutiny was because he was dying.
Owner: Well, of course he confessed! He was guilty.
Hornblower: "Guilty"?!? Mate, this Lieutenant wouldn't be guilty of anything even if you forced him at gunpoint.
Owner: No, no! 'E's guilty!
Hornblower: He's not guilty! He's innocent! And this lieutenant is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! He's pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now History! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the damn choir invisible!!
THIS IS AN EX-Lieutenant!!
(Pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(He takes a quick peek behind the counter)
Owner: Sorry sir, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Archie Kennedy's.
Hornblower: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: <pause> I got a William Bush.
(Pause)
Hornblower: Pray, does he have blonde hair?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Hornblower: WELL IT'S HARDLY A DAMN REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be...
A LUMBERJACK!